It's the most horrible time of the year.

It's winter. That jovial time in the calendar year when you celebrate Thanksgiving and (insert religious holiday here) because some old dead guy decided that to keep up the spirits of human beings in the winter you must spend lots of time with those awful people you call family. And of course there must be food involved in such celebrations because there's no way anyone would want to spend generous amounts of time with their family without generous amounts of food to make up for it.  

As if you weren't stuffed enough at Thanksgiving before the four pies were uncovered, somewhere along the way someone decided that the real dessert would come at midnight (00:00 O'clock) on what we now call Black Friday. Clearly unsatisfied with the copious amount of food that you will be digesting for days, you now seek satisfaction in spending copious amounts of money on gifts to give to those awful family folks at (insert religious holiday here) and, of course, for yourself. 

Then comes December with cookies, eggnog, ham, more house decorations, more specials on TV, more important movie releases, more money to spend, more people to smile at, more crap (I mean very, very thoughtful gifts) to find space for, more, MORE, MORE. 

After (insert religious holiday here) there's just enough time to rest, throw out the (insert religious holiday here) tree, sell your gifts (for beer money), and spend hours on the treadmill so you can fit into our brand new outfit (the one you bought on Black Friday) for the all important New Years Eve party where you plan to drink heavily and cheers to another year well spent. You will party like there's no tomorrow. 

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1- 

Happy New Year!

... you thought your friend Kiki was just making out with that guy over there, but now she's screaming and there's blood dripping from her chin. The guy is literally eating her face. He turns around and glares at you as you recognize what's happened. Someone let a zombie into this party, and no there IS no tomorrow. Not like the one you expected. 

"No matter", you begin to think calmly while everyone else at the party attempts to escape the rapidly multiplying horde of zombies. You know what lies ahead of you. An eternity of endless consumption awaits. "I can do this. I have always done this." 

You've been a zombie your entire life. Why fight it now? 

Zombie? Or Drunkard... A Quiz!

It's after midnight on a weekend night. You're out on the town.. we'll call it Shmiowa City. You see something strange, perhaps that person over there just had one too many. But, let's be honest, you're a zombie expert and something about what you've just seen is causing you to second guess yourself. You raise one eyebrow and ask yourself, "Zombie? Or drunkard...". Your answer could mean life or death.

1. The person is swearing, singing, yelling, or laughing uncontrollably. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

2. The only thing the person says is "brains". 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

3. There's blood on the person and they can not say where it came from or whether or not it is theirs. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

4. The person has peed their pants. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

5. The person is crying.

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

6. The person dies when shot in the chest. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

7. The person is moaning and may or may not be saying actual words. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either.

8. The person seems off balance.

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

9. The person is not wearing both shoes. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

10. You coerce the person to chase you. You run but they can not keep up. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

11. The person attempts to bite you. 

a. Zombie

b. Drunkard

c. Could be either. 

12. The person bit your friend, your friend died, and then your friend tried to bite you. The person and your friend are ___. 

a. Zombies

b. Drunkards

c. Could be either. 

13. The person is eating a burrito.
a. Zombie
b. Drunkard
c. Could be either.

14. The persons clothing is ripped, bloodstained, or missing.
a. Zombie
b. Drunkard
c. Could be either.

15. The person you thought was trying to kiss you just bit off your nose.
a. Zombie
b. Drunkard
c. Could be either.

Answer Key:
1. B - Zombies only speak one word and they don't express emotion.
2. A - "Brains" is that one word.
3. C
4. C
5. B - The emotion thing.
6. B. - You have to kill the brain to kill a zombie. (duh)
7. C
8. C
9. C
10. C
11. C
12. A
13. B
14. A
15. C

If you answered A to any of these questions, take action. Refer immediately to your contingency plan.
If you answered B to any of these questions, you're fine.
If you answered C to any of these questions, you may not be safe. You have two choices: run some more tests on the individual in question, or get the heck out of there. You decide.

I hope this quiz has caused any Zombie scholars out there to think twice before committing to a night out drinking. You might accidentally try to decapitate a human being... or you might be fooled into thinking that zombie over there is just another drunk person. 

Student: A horde of homework and the pursuit of BRAINS.

August

I leave the University Bookstore with two bags full of books. When I get home, I add them to the collection of books I ordered online and the stack I bought at Prairie Lights earlier today. I stare at my bookshelf:

18 novels, 

5 collections of essays, 

2 books of poetry, 

2 graphic novels,

 and 1 Zombie Survival Guide. 

Then there are the articles and chapters of books to print from ICON for the semester: 
97 of them.

They all wait to be devoured. The plate is full, the task is daunting, but soon all of this will be in my brain.

October

It's Friday night. I've had 3 invitations to Halloween parties. I hear the other people in my house discussing their plans for the evening and perfecting their costumes. Meanwhile, I sit alone in my room with 6 syllabuses strewn across the floor in front of me. I'm making a plan for how I'm going to survive next week. 

"Okay, I need to read excerpts from four international writers for international lit. and write about it, and analyze some Follain poetry. Then I need to read a third of this nature novel for Monday, another third for Wednesday, and finish it by Friday. Facebook? No! Focus! Next... Zombie Autopsies. Can I read that in one sitting? Not quite, so.. half on Monday night the other half on Wednesday night. Woah.. I have 6 articles to print on ICON for my women writers class, and 4 to print for Intro to GWSS. That'll be an expensive print job. Incoming call from Boyfriend. I have a boyfriend? Oh yea... Hello? No, sorry. Maybe next weekend. Love you, too. Bye. What's going on at Prairie Lights this week? I still need to go to 5 readings... I guess I can make it to the one on Wednesday. Wait.. shit! I have a take home exam due on Thursday... when am I going to have time to get that done? Thursday morning. I'll just skip Zombie class that day. And I'll have to write up a summary and response for those GWSS articles by Friday, and meet with my independent study professor to tell her about the new research I found to add to my project. And then It'll be Friday! ... and I'll do this all over again."

December

The guy in the front of the room is disappointed that the the class doesn't explore the internet enough. The internet... what's that? I vaguely remember. I feel full. I am at capacity. No, not food. Did I eat breakfast this morning or leave it on the counter? At least I remembered my coffee. Coooofffeeee mmmmmmmm. No, it's my brain that's full. It's so bloated with knowledge. Theory, and Romero, and narrative point of view, and Brooks, and Classical references, and a zombie Bambi, and queering, and just when I thought I couldn't possibly consume any more stories about zombies into my brain, Zombie Haiku:

Death would be better

than another semester

of eighteen credits. 

But if I were dead, there would be no more learning. There would be no more brains. BRAINS! All I've ever wanted! Intelligence! Smarty pants! Books! I want more.. more Brains! 

Could I already be... a zombie?